Bara skriver...
och på svenska för en gångs skull... Vad känner jag, hur mår jag och hur ska jag orka?
Det är 3 frågor som jag nog aldrig är helt säker på.
Men...
Jag vet att jag har några otroligt underbara personer i min närhet som vet, stöttar och försöker förstå. Det hjälper. Men mår jag bättre?
Just nu går all min energi åt till att försöka må bra. och även då jag låtsas i 90 % av fallen så försöker jag åtminstonde. Men när jag fick beskedet i söndags att du inte kommer hem på minst 3 månader till, brast det. allt jag byggt upp, allt jag hoppats på och längtat till. Allt bara försvann, och ännu en tid av ovisshet har jag nu framför mig. När var och hur? Jag kan inte beskriva hur svårt det faktiskt är, och nej, ni förstår inte. inte jag heller.
Att veta att du finns där, inte långt bort, men ändå så får jag inte träffa dig. Du ringer när du får, men dina telefonkort tar slut om 2 dagar, och du får inte nya förns om 3 veckor.... Jag klarar knappt av att komma hem utan att du r där, men att int få prata med dig över huvudtaget kommer att knäcka mig. Jag är på en bristningspunkt som jag inte vet om jag orkar ta mig igenom. Att veta att du är där, men inte när du kommer hem, att praktiskt taget kunna åka till dig över lunchen, men att inte få, att drömma om dig, men att inte få ha dig här på riktigt, är det svåraste jag någonsin gått igenom.
Att behöva pressa fram ett fejkat leende varje dag framför en person som jag inte ens bryr mig om, för att de som faktiskt betyder något ska må bra är svårt. vi vet båda två att jag inte kommit över det som hänt. Och att jag aldrig glömmer är en sak som är säker. Jag trodde på dig när du sa att du ändrats, att du sagt upp kontakten med henne, att du älskade mig, men med tanke på att 2 utav de sakerna du sa inte var sanna, varför skulle jag då tro på det tredje. och om du nu trots all förmodan verkligen älskar mig som du säger att du gör så är det inte ömsesidigt. Jag struntar i vem du är och vad du gjort för mig, för jag vet innerst inne att du gjorde det för att du var tvungen. annars skulle du aldrig fått mig att känna mig som det "oälskade barnet" när jag var mindre. jag bryr mig inte om hur det slutar, det enda jag vill är att mamma ska vara lycklig.
Jag vet inte vad mer jag ska säga utan att röra til lallt och upprepa mig. men jag orkar inte leva i den "perfekta världen" som alla verkar ha. varken jag, mitt liv, eller mina tankar är äns på gränsen till perfekta. Jag vet inte hur mycket mer jag orkar, och hur mycket mer jag klarar av....
Det är 3 frågor som jag nog aldrig är helt säker på.
Men...
Jag vet att jag har några otroligt underbara personer i min närhet som vet, stöttar och försöker förstå. Det hjälper. Men mår jag bättre?
Just nu går all min energi åt till att försöka må bra. och även då jag låtsas i 90 % av fallen så försöker jag åtminstonde. Men när jag fick beskedet i söndags att du inte kommer hem på minst 3 månader till, brast det. allt jag byggt upp, allt jag hoppats på och längtat till. Allt bara försvann, och ännu en tid av ovisshet har jag nu framför mig. När var och hur? Jag kan inte beskriva hur svårt det faktiskt är, och nej, ni förstår inte. inte jag heller.
Att veta att du finns där, inte långt bort, men ändå så får jag inte träffa dig. Du ringer när du får, men dina telefonkort tar slut om 2 dagar, och du får inte nya förns om 3 veckor.... Jag klarar knappt av att komma hem utan att du r där, men att int få prata med dig över huvudtaget kommer att knäcka mig. Jag är på en bristningspunkt som jag inte vet om jag orkar ta mig igenom. Att veta att du är där, men inte när du kommer hem, att praktiskt taget kunna åka till dig över lunchen, men att inte få, att drömma om dig, men att inte få ha dig här på riktigt, är det svåraste jag någonsin gått igenom.
Att behöva pressa fram ett fejkat leende varje dag framför en person som jag inte ens bryr mig om, för att de som faktiskt betyder något ska må bra är svårt. vi vet båda två att jag inte kommit över det som hänt. Och att jag aldrig glömmer är en sak som är säker. Jag trodde på dig när du sa att du ändrats, att du sagt upp kontakten med henne, att du älskade mig, men med tanke på att 2 utav de sakerna du sa inte var sanna, varför skulle jag då tro på det tredje. och om du nu trots all förmodan verkligen älskar mig som du säger att du gör så är det inte ömsesidigt. Jag struntar i vem du är och vad du gjort för mig, för jag vet innerst inne att du gjorde det för att du var tvungen. annars skulle du aldrig fått mig att känna mig som det "oälskade barnet" när jag var mindre. jag bryr mig inte om hur det slutar, det enda jag vill är att mamma ska vara lycklig.
Jag vet inte vad mer jag ska säga utan att röra til lallt och upprepa mig. men jag orkar inte leva i den "perfekta världen" som alla verkar ha. varken jag, mitt liv, eller mina tankar är äns på gränsen till perfekta. Jag vet inte hur mycket mer jag orkar, och hur mycket mer jag klarar av....
tonight I know I'm alive
For the frist time of my life
I'm scared of a humanbeeing
it's weapons don't frighten me, even if it had been a knife
nore have the words of it's mouth screaming.
I't can harm me in many ways,
it doesn't allow me to have my own space,
it laughs while seeing it's reflection,
even when it's starring to a mirror covered with full protection,
I can't belive I'm not let myself go....
I'm scared of a humanbeeing
it's weapons don't frighten me, even if it had been a knife
nore have the words of it's mouth screaming.
I't can harm me in many ways,
it doesn't allow me to have my own space,
it laughs while seeing it's reflection,
even when it's starring to a mirror covered with full protection,
I can't belive I'm not let myself go....
this is for you!
that makes my life worth living, you are 2.
when i'm not with you, I'm not even 1.
You can't imagine how much you meen to me,
and what I'd do for the 2 of you.
laughing, crying, it makes no sence,
when morning comes, we'll stay stronger then ever.
cuz we have eachother.
Sara, you are beautiful,
and even when you don't see that, you can always trust on me,
lending out my eyes for you to see, what I see every day!
your love is priceless. I love you!
Emily, you are strong.
and even if you would stumbel and fall,
I'd pick you up, and carry you to safety
I'd stay by your side until you answer my call,
I'¨d never let you down, cuz I love you "doll".!
when i'm not with you, I'm not even 1.
You can't imagine how much you meen to me,
and what I'd do for the 2 of you.
laughing, crying, it makes no sence,
when morning comes, we'll stay stronger then ever.
cuz we have eachother.
Sara, you are beautiful,
and even when you don't see that, you can always trust on me,
lending out my eyes for you to see, what I see every day!
your love is priceless. I love you!
Emily, you are strong.
and even if you would stumbel and fall,
I'd pick you up, and carry you to safety
I'd stay by your side until you answer my call,
I'¨d never let you down, cuz I love you "doll".!
Expectations...
I don't go through life expecting much,
just to don't have to hear you say like that,
I get the hint, you don't love me,
let's say it like this, you are my dad, and nothing more.
If you where to be gone tomorrow, I wouldn't shade a tear
cuz nothing you do, can hide that what you feel for me is fear,
fear of knowing that I hold the key to your future,
in 5 minuts, i can change your life's outcome.
I'm not that kind of person to be blackmailing anyone,
awear of the power I have, though not using it.
I'm not like you. and cuz of that, I'm blessed.
How confused...
one second I'm glad,
the next I'm sad.
When I'm with my friends I'm laughing,
When I'm home alone I'm crying,
Crying cuz it hurts beeing alone,
to have to stand all on my own
But still, i'm not alone,
I know there's 2 beautiful friends that's mine,
but I don't wanna be a burden
so I don't let them see me cry....
Howsoever I wanna be able to open up,
but how am I supposed to do that,
when I can't even cry infront of me,
and have you any idea of how scary that can be...?
I used to be in control over my life,
now it seems that both the life and the control has flone its co-op.
I've lost faith in most things, I'm always living on the tipp of the knife,
It just feels there's no other opption than giving up...
Do I dare?
If someone should tell me not to,
would I listen or do the opposite?
cuz right now I feel I really like you,
do I dare to take a chance, and live with it?
The first time I saw you,
It was your eyes and lips I noticed first,
That pure glow and smile seemed so true
And the other girls talking to you, I immediately cursed
I admit I'm scared,
I don't know if I can handle a broken heart,
cuz even though it would be better if I didn't cared,
in these situations I'm not particularly smart
I'm now sitting here wondering what could become,
If I'm just brave enough to go along
I feel better now, than I've done in a long time,
Feeling butterflies as I recall it, is not a crime.
But how far can you go,
and not touch the fine line,
in a way I want you to know,
that I want you to be mine.
How do I know what you feel for me,
when I'm not sure what I dare feel for you?
/ MF
Never before...
have I ever hated...
not like this.
my love to you faded,
but my oppened eyes was a bless
now I can see the real you,
the one who betraide,
can't belive you this putted me through,
now i see of what you're truly made
i'm allready on my way out of here,
so take a close look,
cuz all the sudde I'll dissapear
I won't miss you,
and that I know for sure,
I know that with the help of my firends I'll make it through
and you'll never see me no more.
how could you ever love me,
if all you gave me was open wounds
/ MF
not like this.
my love to you faded,
but my oppened eyes was a bless
now I can see the real you,
the one who betraide,
can't belive you this putted me through,
now i see of what you're truly made
i'm allready on my way out of here,
so take a close look,
cuz all the sudde I'll dissapear
I won't miss you,
and that I know for sure,
I know that with the help of my firends I'll make it through
and you'll never see me no more.
how could you ever love me,
if all you gave me was open wounds
/ MF
I get sligthly scared.
When I turn around and you're not there,
I look around and no sign of you any where
I get slightly scared
I love you so and it hurted me so bad letting you go
but I'll always be near,
just vissel on me and I'll be there!
and if you don't I be slightly scared
I know I havn't been the best daugther,
I've made many decisions I now regret,
But now you're gone, Im not leting you go any futher
My love to you is no longer a secret.
and beacuse of that I get slightly scared
When you're tears are falling down,
I'll be the first to save you from falling and drown.
If you ever need me, just call my name and you get a answer
if you ever get lonley, trust me mummi I'll be there.
I love you, you're my angel,
You are beautiful, my savier,
and for your sake, I get slightly scared.
/ MF
Att jag kan le...
Ibland förvånar jag mig själv.
Att jag trots alla hinder, motgångar och besvikelser kan gå runt och le är inget mirakel.
det är inget tecken på att gud finns, det är inget tecken på att jag förtjänar bättre, det är helt enkelt ingenting.
Ingenting, förutom...
Förutom att faktum kvarstår lika starkt som mina vänner, det är med er jag är lycklig!
Ni får mig att orka, att våga och att leva.
Utan er så är inte världen längre grön och livfull, utan grå och olycklig, som jag en gång var.
Ni lockar fram det bästa ur mig, samtidigt som ni aldrig håller mig tillbaka.
Med er kan jag vara mig själv, var mig själv till 100 %.
Jag behöver inte skämas, jag behöver inte vara rädd för att ni inte ska vara där i morgon.
Ni är vänner som består, och utan er så finns det ingen morgondag.!
<3
/ MF
Att jag trots alla hinder, motgångar och besvikelser kan gå runt och le är inget mirakel.
det är inget tecken på att gud finns, det är inget tecken på att jag förtjänar bättre, det är helt enkelt ingenting.
Ingenting, förutom...
Förutom att faktum kvarstår lika starkt som mina vänner, det är med er jag är lycklig!
Ni får mig att orka, att våga och att leva.
Utan er så är inte världen längre grön och livfull, utan grå och olycklig, som jag en gång var.
Ni lockar fram det bästa ur mig, samtidigt som ni aldrig håller mig tillbaka.
Med er kan jag vara mig själv, var mig själv till 100 %.
Jag behöver inte skämas, jag behöver inte vara rädd för att ni inte ska vara där i morgon.
Ni är vänner som består, och utan er så finns det ingen morgondag.!
<3
/ MF
Father
never of you thought so low,
never wanted tihs side to show
to ever exist
realise now I do,
what I've always missed
could never think this of you
You where my hero,
the one who never leaves,
I know you won't be here tomorrow
you really are on of those who deceives....
/ M
never wanted tihs side to show
to ever exist
realise now I do,
what I've always missed
could never think this of you
You where my hero,
the one who never leaves,
I know you won't be here tomorrow
you really are on of those who deceives....
/ M
It's never going to be easy huh?
Now I've come to the conclusion that love stings,
Well, you laugh if you want!
But I know according to you, not very many things,
but I'll tell you something 'bout love,
It aint ever easy.
When you feel joy, you get scared
When you get betraied, you feel mad
When you just got your' heart broken in pieces so small,
you feel nothing at all...
Never think you know 'bout love,
Not even the person sitting over us above,
Can tell you what to do,
or hwo's gonna love you.
Love isn't a garanti,
You might never experience it
but if you do, don't mess it up like me,
Don't take it for granted,
Make the two of you free
Don't ever care 'bout the thoughts of anyoneelse then your loves,
belive me, it's like pouring wine over silk gloves.
It's always there,
you always think 'bout it,
'cause if it once was here,
you'll never forget 'bout it.
Well, you laugh if you want!
But I know according to you, not very many things,
but I'll tell you something 'bout love,
It aint ever easy.
When you feel joy, you get scared
When you get betraied, you feel mad
When you just got your' heart broken in pieces so small,
you feel nothing at all...
Never think you know 'bout love,
Not even the person sitting over us above,
Can tell you what to do,
or hwo's gonna love you.
Love isn't a garanti,
You might never experience it
but if you do, don't mess it up like me,
Don't take it for granted,
Make the two of you free
Don't ever care 'bout the thoughts of anyoneelse then your loves,
belive me, it's like pouring wine over silk gloves.
It's always there,
you always think 'bout it,
'cause if it once was here,
you'll never forget 'bout it.
Mamma <3
I love you so,
It hurted me so bad seeing you go.
When the police came and took you away,
I could only hope that it would be for one short day.
When I realised that that day wasn't going to be the last,
I took my mind, my belongins and ran fast
I still hasn't stoped,
And I'm not planing to either...
It hurted me so bad seeing you go.
When the police came and took you away,
I could only hope that it would be for one short day.
When I realised that that day wasn't going to be the last,
I took my mind, my belongins and ran fast
I still hasn't stoped,
And I'm not planing to either...
I'm surprised...
Over how good it feels,
3 weeks ago, I thought I would never get up of my knees.
Now I'm stronger then before,
I'm finally one of the persons I can honestly say I adore.
Never been this free,
Though this wasn't how it suposed to be.
This is the way we turned out,
atleast we didn't have to go through all the scream and shouts.
I'm fine and so are you,
we may be over, but we'll never be through, <3
3 weeks ago, I thought I would never get up of my knees.
Now I'm stronger then before,
I'm finally one of the persons I can honestly say I adore.
Never been this free,
Though this wasn't how it suposed to be.
This is the way we turned out,
atleast we didn't have to go through all the scream and shouts.
I'm fine and so are you,
we may be over, but we'll never be through, <3
I'm glad...
I'm glad you've moven on so fast,
that you're not living in the past.
I can still smell the same air I felt the first time,
Standing in the cafeteria line,
When our eyes meet,
that's a moment I'll never forget.
though I suspect you've thrown away the pink note I made you,
I still remember the look on your face, a smile, a part of you that where so sincere.
You were so beauteful I couldn't see clear.
Love at first sight,
Ending with a fight...
that you're not living in the past.
I can still smell the same air I felt the first time,
Standing in the cafeteria line,
When our eyes meet,
that's a moment I'll never forget.
though I suspect you've thrown away the pink note I made you,
I still remember the look on your face, a smile, a part of you that where so sincere.
You were so beauteful I couldn't see clear.
Love at first sight,
Ending with a fight...
I can't stop thinking of you...
Not talking to you hurts,
to cry while thinking of you hurts,
to cry as I talk to you makes me ashamed...
Ashamed of beeing the one making the final decision,
to make you hate me and everything that we stod for.
We, you and me, the two of us...
What will become of me now that I'm only, me, myself and I?
Do I have the strenght to stand up alone,
to live by myself?
This is not what I intentended,
I wanted us to be happy,
to share the rest of our lives,
to love and never fall apart...
In my head I keep on thinking right back to the start,
wondering what made us change?
Well I tried but I had to draw the line,
but still this question keeps on spinning in my mind
what if I had never let you go,
would you be the man I used to know?
If I'd stayed,
if you'd tried,
if we could only turn back time...
but I guess we'll never know.
to cry while thinking of you hurts,
to cry as I talk to you makes me ashamed...
Ashamed of beeing the one making the final decision,
to make you hate me and everything that we stod for.
We, you and me, the two of us...
What will become of me now that I'm only, me, myself and I?
Do I have the strenght to stand up alone,
to live by myself?
This is not what I intentended,
I wanted us to be happy,
to share the rest of our lives,
to love and never fall apart...
In my head I keep on thinking right back to the start,
wondering what made us change?
Well I tried but I had to draw the line,
but still this question keeps on spinning in my mind
what if I had never let you go,
would you be the man I used to know?
If I'd stayed,
if you'd tried,
if we could only turn back time...
but I guess we'll never know.
Am I free or condemmed?
I'm not sad, cuz this has been the best 2 years of my entire life.
but at the same time, telling you those things hurts me like a knife.
You were my world, and you took me to a state of happiness
now, I feel that I can't give that back in any other way then sadness
I don't get how my love for you just faded so ungracefully,
and the only thing I felt inside the last month was missery.
Missery of not knowing how I felt,
and that hurted me proboebly more then the pain of the tears that fell.
You gave me love that I'm not sure I'll ever feel again,
so why did I leave you if all that I'm feeling right now is pain?
I couldn't stand of losing you, so in my mind I made it up,
that it would get better sometime and you'd just brooken up.
That would be easier, to feel that you were the one making me cry,
instead I turned it all around.
As I said, I loved you from the start,
and I never wanted to se us apart.
But at the time beeing, you and I aren't meent to be,
maybe it's all beacause of me...
I don't regret living whit you for 2 years,
cuz they where, and you are, unforgettable.
I'll always love you, and you'll always be my first and only love. <3
/ MF
but at the same time, telling you those things hurts me like a knife.
You were my world, and you took me to a state of happiness
now, I feel that I can't give that back in any other way then sadness
I don't get how my love for you just faded so ungracefully,
and the only thing I felt inside the last month was missery.
Missery of not knowing how I felt,
and that hurted me proboebly more then the pain of the tears that fell.
You gave me love that I'm not sure I'll ever feel again,
so why did I leave you if all that I'm feeling right now is pain?
I couldn't stand of losing you, so in my mind I made it up,
that it would get better sometime and you'd just brooken up.
That would be easier, to feel that you were the one making me cry,
instead I turned it all around.
As I said, I loved you from the start,
and I never wanted to se us apart.
But at the time beeing, you and I aren't meent to be,
maybe it's all beacause of me...
I don't regret living whit you for 2 years,
cuz they where, and you are, unforgettable.
I'll always love you, and you'll always be my first and only love. <3
/ MF
Concrete angel
She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holdin' back
Wearin' the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with linen and lace
The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born
Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel
Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear, but they turn out the lights
A fragile soul caught in the hands of faith
When morning comes it'll be too late
A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot
Nobody knows what she's holdin' back
Wearin' the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with linen and lace
The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born
Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel
Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear, but they turn out the lights
A fragile soul caught in the hands of faith
When morning comes it'll be too late
A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot
crash and burn
If I could
I would
turn back time
make it fine...
so what to do?
should I stay
or
should I go
if you don't tell me
I'll never know...
Make it quick,
make it painless
I'm just a brick
among your aces
Say goodbye,
make it permenent
say hello, just hi
but don't experiment
I've been hurt
and so have you
we've both had things to go through
lets end this here and now,
or at least one of us will cry...
I would
turn back time
make it fine...
so what to do?
should I stay
or
should I go
if you don't tell me
I'll never know...
Make it quick,
make it painless
I'm just a brick
among your aces
Say goodbye,
make it permenent
say hello, just hi
but don't experiment
I've been hurt
and so have you
we've both had things to go through
lets end this here and now,
or at least one of us will cry...
Sometimes-
I feel like my world is chrashing,
and everything seems so tremendous
I can't help but thinking,
and especially about the two of us.
At the time everything is complicated,
I'm stupid to have it like this,
But I'm the one to blame, to have been overrated.
I should have stoped by the first kiss.
I can't go on like before,
I'm not as strong anymore.
I didn't meen to hurt you,
And you warn't supposed to fall in love with me,
Now I don't know what to do,
I just know that it's not meent to be you and me...
and everything seems so tremendous
I can't help but thinking,
and especially about the two of us.
At the time everything is complicated,
I'm stupid to have it like this,
But I'm the one to blame, to have been overrated.
I should have stoped by the first kiss.
I can't go on like before,
I'm not as strong anymore.
I didn't meen to hurt you,
And you warn't supposed to fall in love with me,
Now I don't know what to do,
I just know that it's not meent to be you and me...
Am I a fool for beliving in me?
So, another day has gone, and one more dissapointment has come uppon my head. Why would I care to be supprised when it's more likely that it would let me down once agian. Am I a fool to be beliving in me, and my chances to make dreams come true?
Is it a compromising, or just a give and take kind of thing?
I hope that you and everyone else will someday see, and open your eyes for the much bigger cause.
I'm not a fool for belivning, and I'm going to be right.
Is it a compromising, or just a give and take kind of thing?
I hope that you and everyone else will someday see, and open your eyes for the much bigger cause.
I'm not a fool for belivning, and I'm going to be right.
